Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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