The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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