I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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