you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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