In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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