i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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