yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I cut my penus on the lid.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
