I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
