my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
