I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
