sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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