Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
