that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
