Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
