I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
one might say we're banned from that church
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
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i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
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I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer