I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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