im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
