i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
