I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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