Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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