i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
