so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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