yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
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I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
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You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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