My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
