i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
