I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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