She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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