I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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