Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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