When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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