Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
