I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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