is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
