Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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