Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
