you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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