I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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