if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
