she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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