I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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