There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
