I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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