I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
