Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
there's paper in my vomit.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize