I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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