Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
