you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
