i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
