Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm getting married
To pizza
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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