I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
