So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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