you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
