Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
