Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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