she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I want her autograph on my taint
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
