i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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